Dodged a Flipping Bullet!

Thank you! Thank you for the great feed back!  Here was my response to this guy and what ensued!

Wow! Did not see that coming. I actually have held back because I really like you and don’t want to blow something great. Uncool that you did this via text, and it seems that you have made up your mind.  Here is the scoop! We have spent 7 hours together. From your text, one might assume we have been dating for months. If I didn’t like you, I would not have set up a second date. My experience has been: what goes up comes down fast…running quickly out of rocket fuel and landing HARD with broken hearts. I try to build a stronger foundation of understanding and quality time together, then the sex is amazing. I think you are a great guy and think anyone is lucky to be with you.

Guess I made a mistake and dodged a bullet!

His response: Call me what you want Jeannine. Trying to be polite and let you know that I see subtle red flags that we are not compatible. I wanted to stop this before it went to the bedroom (choking at the craziness of this statement). Call me what you want if it makes you feel better. (Did I call him something?  Am I missing something here?)

This is just so incredibly nuts I don’t even know what to say.   I feel fortunate that I said NO to this guy.

Lesson learned: Stick to your values.  The muck will drop to the bottom of the pond and you will be okay.

Jeannine Kaiser, Dating and Relationship Expert, Author of Cupid’s Playbook

Slipped Through My Fingers?

Over the last few weeks, I met a man who I really liked.  Mind you, we only had two dates and spent a total of 7 hours together, but her was so great.  I remember after the first date, I told my roommate Leisa, “I really like this guy.  He was not my typical type…which hasn’t been working out for me really.”  There was something special about him.  I could not put my finger on it, but I was committed to taking it slow and not blowing a great thing, He has a rocking body and great personality.  We have so much in common.  The ease of conversation was amazing.  I know my face lite up when he walked into the room.  I was proud to introduce him to people I know.

So last night, we had our second date. But before our second date, I received a text message that read, “Clean shirt or toothbrush.”  I answered, “Clean Shirt.” 

We had a great dinner, great conversation, romantic from the moment he walked in the room to greet me.  Almost 3 hours of great conversation and laughter, we went to our cars and kissed and a hug and a bit of exploring (not much) and we were on our way.  I had to work this morning and frankly, I was exhausted.

Later that night I got a message from his indicating that I had ended the night prematurely.  Okay.  We had appetizers, dinner and dessert over 3 hours.  We didn’t discuss doing anything else and walked out of the restaurant.  Should I have been more aggressive and initiated more?

I woke up this morning to the following text:

I very much enjoy your company Jeannine.  The time together has been wonderfully euphoric and added many smiles and laughs to my life.  I respect your repeated comments about going really slow and old-fashioned values. You have shaped these values over your life and they work for you.  The analytical in me looks at it differently. However, after two failed marriages with limited or structured intimacy, I know I can not survive in that type of relationship.  I want a partner that can’t keep their hands off me. as wonderful as you are Jeannine, I don’t sense that from you.  If after two dates, you don’t trust my respect of boundaries, then you never will.  with as many similarities as we seem to have, it saddens me, but I can’t go down that path again.  It’s better now that it would be later, and I am sorry.  I wish the very best!

So, I am super confused and would appreciate any feedback.  I am thinking that because I did not put out, I am out.  I have spent a flipping 7 hours with the guy.  Seriously, I am not sleeping with him.  Let me know your thoughts.

Jeannine Kaiser, Dating and Relationship Expert, Author of Cupid’s Playbook

Do They Celebrate Christmas in Heaven?

This is the 5th Christmas without Keith.  Every year it gets a little easier.  But Christmas isn’t special anymore.  I don’t have anyone special who will painstakingly pick out a present for me and go to the ends of the earth to make my holiday special. I hate that I don’t have a special man to shop for anymore.  I loved going shopping for my husband, although I have to admit that it was somewhat frustrating.  Here is why:  You see, Keith would give me some ideas of the things he would love under the tree each year and then he would proceed to go buy them for himself…one by one.  As I would see him with an iPod, I would return the one I bought for him.  Then I would buy the new helmet he wanted only to see it on the back of his motorcycle two days later.  And so the cycle continued until I finally had a present he had not bought for himself.  I kind of miss that crazy ritual.

Keith, on the other hand, was more simplistic.  He rarely asked me what I wanted.  He would buy me one of two things: jewelry or a designer purse.  He joked that he knew they both would fit.  I have a closet full of great purses and a safe filled with amazing jewelry.  And he was right…they all fit.

Here is my brief letter to Keith this Christmas:

My darling Keith,

Being with you was like Christmas every day.  I do miss you.  I no longer decorate the house for the holidays.  It was only fun when you and the kids where there to pull down everything from the attic and put that crazy tree together. I loved how you and Derrick would do silly things like pretend to roast marshmallows in front of the Yule Log on the television.  I miss the Grinch you had on your car each year.  Silly man.  Who knew that you really loved Christmas. I miss how you and I were up late at night stuffing the kids’ stockings and your endless compliments of how wonderful I made the holidays for the kids and you.  I even miss that crazy raging fire you would light that would singe the fireplace hearth and we would need to repaint it…yet again.

If they have Christmas in Heaven, I would give you but one thing as a gift…

It would be one more Christmas with me and the kids.

You wouldn’t be able to buy it for yourself and you would certainly not want to return it.

We miss you.

Love always,

Your Boo

Hands OFF Buddy!

Do men have any idea how unsafe a woman feels being invited to HIS house for a first date, especially when you have never met the guy?  My answer is going to be NO. For goodness sake,  I don’t even let a man pick me up at my house for several dates.  I have to know that I feel safe with this man before I will let him know where I live.  Just smart dating in my opinion,

So, again I got asked by a man to come to his house and he wants to cook me dinner.  I tell him that I would like to meet in a public place even if it is just for coffee.  I am not expecting a guy to break the bank for a first date.  We are just there to see if we connect.  He decides that he wants to treat me to dinner at a local sports bar.  The weather in nice so we actually ended up sitting on the patio for an early dinner.

We are chatting and the conversation is going okay.  I am not getting any excited vibrations happening with this guy.  I begin to listen intently to some of the things he is saying.  Here is why:  He begins telling me stories about other women who he has cooked dinner for recently. This seems to be his move (like Don Juan).  He told me about one of these women who later told him she didn’t want to ever see him again because he practically raped her.  An odd comment by any means, but my antenna is definitely taking in the information.  We finish dinner and I need to go.  Seriously, I need to GO!  I am getting a strange vibration from this guy. He has tried to kiss me several times during the date and he is just not getting that I am not into him and I don’t want to kiss him.

He walks me to my car which is about 300 feet from the restaurant door and in full view of the patio where we just ate.  I am walking about two steps in front of him deliberately.  When we get to my car, I have my keys in my hand and I have unlocked my doors because I am jetting out of there as soon as I can.  Handsy as he will know be called, grabs me, in broad-daylight and begins groping my breast.  Really!  I kid you not.  As I push him backwards and he almost loses his balance and nearly goes down, he say, “What is the problem?”  I tell him his inappropriateness and thinking that it is okay to groping me when I didn’t even want him to kiss me.  Was he for real?

So yesterday, I got a message on another dating website from Handsy.  His message read, “How about I cook you dinner!”  I send him a quick message: “When Hell freezes over!” Instant BLOCK!  This idiot forgot that he had gone out with me before or he is an even bigger idiot.

Lesson Learned:  Continue to trust your instincts.

Jeannine Kaiser, Dating and Relationship Expert, Author of Cupid’s Playbook

I am Not A Pen Pal! Ask Me Out!

Sometimes I feel like men are feeding their egos by having women continue to write them messages on dating websites like Match.com.  It is like someone put a man in a candy store and he is overwhelmed by all of his choices and he just can’t choose one candy.  By the time we conversed with three or four messages back and forth, I am bored.  It is as if I have read all the ingredients and calories content on the candy package…twice…and summed up that I am not sure I want that candy anymore.  Yawn!!!!

First, let it be said that even though I am a good writer, I am not a pen pal.  I don’t want to write long drawn out messages to a man when I can say it in a few minutes on the phone or over a cup of coffee.  Maybe I am lazy.  But dating can be fun, but also I need it to be somewhat efficient.  (Talk about sucking the romance out of the process, but I am super busy.)  You can say anything you want in a text message or email message.  You can be whatever you want to be.  The truth is, when you meet, there is either sizzle or there isn’t. I don’t want to keep a multitude of non-revealing, “how is your day?” conversations going with a dozen different men.  There isn’t a great deal that transpires in 24 hours in my life that is super exciting but these men seem to get offended when I don’t respond for a couple of days. How about asking me out.  Then you might get a quicker response. How about asking for my flipping phone number?  When did men become such wimps?

My goal is to go from first connection to a date with in a few days.  If we don’t, I lose interest. I am beginning to think I might have adult ADD!!!  But really, I am not talking about a super expensive date.  I am talking about a cup of coffee. Let’s see if there is a connection. If not, we can just stop conversing and move on.  Unfortunately, when it gets to the point of the actually having the date, many men seem to disappear or cancel and reschedule several times, then disappear into the sunset. Could it be that they aren’t who they say?  Is it possible that their pictures are old and a few extra pounds mean 50 pounds overweight?  Could it be that they are just feeding their ego?  Might they be married or in another relationship?  I would rather know this sooner than later.  This is why I want to move it to a date quickly.

Just finished sending off 12 messages to 12 different men. Then I went and looked at all of the history of our messages.  Ten to fifteen exchanges for a few of these men and they still haven’t asked me out.  All 12 of these men got the same message: “So, are we pen pals or are you going to ask me out? Just saying!” I can’t be any more clear that THAT! Let’s see how this turns out.  Better clear my bloody schedule for next week.  I might be very busy.

Jeannine Kaiser, Dating and Relationship Expert, Author of Cupid’s Playbook

No Way Jose!

Don Juan and I have been conversing via text for about 2 weeks. I have yet to hear his voice.  He has not called. We are supposed to go on a date today.  I am speculating that Don Juan is riding off into the sunset without me on the back of his steed.

He gets his nickname because he is a self-professed Latin Lover.  I may or may not be the judge of this. I am going to strongly guess NOT.   If Don Juan had his way, our first date would be a test run to show his skills.

I am a cautious when dating. Without fail, I give my roommate or friend Susan everything I know about the guy I am going to meet which includes his last name, phone number, internet profile name (if applicable). They know when we are meeting and where.  This is so if I go missing, they know where to start looking. Sound paranoid? This is just sound advice for anyone dating. Cover you bases!!! Cover your assets!

Don Juan had been asking questions of me via text like; how good of a kisser am I.   Slight evasion, but I indicate that I have skills.  Next he asked about my most recent romantic date. I give him the Reader’s Digest version of the date that was somewhat romantic. Slim pickings, but I can paint a picture with words.  Don Juan, not to be out done, tells me about a romantic evening by the fireplace with wine and intimate conversation.  I would guess this kind of date would be after several dates when trust has been built.

Yesterday, Don Juan texted me twice to ask me to come over to him “lovely” home and we can sit by the fire and sip wine.  First of all, he loses points because I am not the only woman who gets this special treatment as he made clear! I believe this is Don Juan’s move…get the girl to his house, make her dinner, set the mood, pour her lots of wine…

I was polite when I said to him, “That is a sweet gesture, but I would prefer to meet some where outside of your or my home.”  I think that is super clear!! No room for interpretation. Even a slight language barrier should not impede getting the message. I am not coming to YOUR house and YOU are not coming to MINE until we get to know each other better.  So then, why does Don Juan ask a second time for me to come over for dinner and a fireside chat with wine?   He either doesn’t take no for an answer which would be a real problem if I went to his house for this fireside, romantic evening. Option #2:  He invites every woman over for dinner and a fireside chat and he forgot I said NO.

I politely turn him down AGAIN for his “romantic move” and I have yet to hear another peep from Don Juan.  Could it be he is busy making dinner, building a fire and pouring wine?

If he asks again, it is NO WAY Jose…or Don Juan as the case may be.

Lesson:  If he won’t respect my wishes or boundaries NOW, he will NEVER respect them. Adios!

Jeannine Kaiser, Dating Coach and Author of Cupid’s Playbook

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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My Fairy Godmother Must Be Pissed!

I do believe in fairies, I do believe in fairies.  Okay, everyone now.  Well it worked for Tinkerbell.  I guess I really pissed off my Fairy Godmother.  I would love it if someone would just wave their magic wand and bring me back to who I was BP. (Not a typo! Before Patrick! See Sinking the Captain’s Ship blog.)

I think everyone wants to fall in love. I am no exception.  The man who is so special that I can’t wait to come home at the end of my work day and kiss his lips and spend time lying in his arms enthusiastically sharing all the interesting details of my day and listening to his. I want to be able to trust someone so much that I will open up and share the vulnerabilities of life experiences, my feeling and deep thoughts. I had that with my husband and I miss it so much.

This passed week, I went to Monterey and laid a Christmas holiday bouquet at the sight of my husband’s fatal accident. It was a sobering moment. I have done this time and time again over the 4 years since his death. As I stood on that spot where he died, I thought my life would look different by now.  I had hoped that I would find someone to love again. Realizing that almost 5 years have past was so hard. Keith’s death left a huge void in my life and heart.

I have to tell you.  I am so much more guarded since my relationship with Patrick Camp (Captain).  I don’t open up.  I question the motivation of the men I date.  Recently, a date asked me my birthday and my mind skipped to,  “What will he do with that information? Why does he want it?”  I wonder if they are trying to pull the wool over my eyes.  I dissect every statement seeking the deeper hidden motivation or lie.  I use to be so open.  I use to be so accepting.  I use to be someone else.

I want to think that I can erase the scars that he has left on me, my life, and my level of trust.  I lost my innocence with Patrick Camp.  I believed in fairytale endings and love that could last a life-time.  I believed in having each other’s back and “us against the world.”  I believed in the relationship that everyone envies.

Who does what he did?  Why did he do what he did? What incredibly broken experiences made this man into a monster who harms other people? Honestly, I don’t get it.

I kept trying to get Patrick to return to the boyfriend who loved and adored me.  He was never that man.  I was simply a “mark”.  He would only engage when he thought I was getting ready to jettison him from my life.  Then he would become fully engaged in the relationship, cooking me dinners, taking me to lunch, taking long drives together, going to Carmel.   This would last a few weeks and then we would return to the REAL Patrick.  He kept me off kilter. I felt like I was dancing with two left feet! I was off balance. This is where he needed me.  He couldn’t con a clear-headed Jeannine.

Here is what I know. It is insane to try to make sense out of insanity.  It is insane to try to get someone to go back to who they were.  Either they were never  the person you thought they were; loving, sweet, thoughtful and desperately in love with YOU or in this case, ME or they are mentally ill, a con man, a fraud or all of the above.  Lastly, they might have really changed and they have a right to change and change their mind about ME.

I am going to learn to be my own Fairy Godmother, unless someone is done with theirs and wants to put them on loan to me.  Let me know.  In the meantime, I am going to continue to heal the wounds and move forward.

Jeannine Kaiser, Dating Coach, Author of Cupid’s Playbook

 

Stop Means Stop…

There are only a few things that annoy me.  You know what I mean.  Those things that get under your skin like fingernails on a chalkboard, people who say ummmm all the time as filler to their conversation, smack their gum, eat with their mouth open, hit the car brakes hard all the time, like they can’t see the light changing or traffic slowing ahead of them. I can handle most of these little annoyances.  The one that really gets me are people who have to sing every word of every song while driving in the car…and they can’t sing.  To top it off, they have to do all the percussion instruments when there aren’t any words. This leads me to the date with the Little Drummer Boy.

This was not our first date.  As a matter-of-fact, we had been going out for about two months, but this was our first extended time in the car together. Before, I had noticed that he sang a lot while we were driving around, but I thought it was because he was a bit nervous. I believed that when he was singing, he didn’t have to hold a conversation and therefore he was less nervous.  I guess I was filling in the blanks to his benefit.

We were driving about an hour and a half to a concert in the Napa Valley.  I was really looking forward to seeing Tower of Power in concert. It had been one of my favorite bands in high school…and this piece of information is dating me a bit. Ouch.   Oh well.  I still loved them.  We are on the road for about 15 minutes and the Little Drummer Boy has not stopped singing.  He was singing at the top of his little lungs and he was drumming on the steering wheel with rather good precision, but it just NEVER stopped. I tried distracting him with conversation.  His responses were short and sweet and he returned to his singing and drumming.

We were now driving over a bridge and leaping over the edge would be a welcome change to the endless singing and drumming. Have you ever gotten to the point that you want to scream at the top of your lungs…STOP!  For God sake, STOP!  I was there.  Really I was. With pent up frustration apparent in my voice, I said, “Do you have to sing every word to every song?”  He looked at me with a level or annoyance which might be justified since the conversation for him to stop his damn singing was happening in my head, so it might have been a bit out-of-the-blue for the poor fella. Frankly, I really didn’t care because I wanted to strangle his little off-key singing voice and end the steering wheel drum sets life force. He turned to me with all the annoyance of a 5 year old child who was told to turn down the volume on his favorite television show and said, “This is what I do.”  No…he didn’t just say THAT!  But he did.

This was the moment that the Little Drummer Boy lost the girl.  There was going to be NO compromise on this.  He was going to sing every time we got in the car and I was going to eventually go to prison for killing him.  This relationship had to end.

Lesson Learned:  There are some incompatibilities that just can’t be brushed over.  It is a matter of sanity.  It is a matter of not going to jail.  It is a matter of maintaining what little dignity survives after dating The Little Drummer Boy.  

There is so much more to this story.  Find out why this was the straw-that-broke-the-camel’s-back.  Tune in for my next blog.

Jeannine Kaiser

Dating and Relationship Expert, Author of Cupid’s Playbook