I am hoping to shine some light on how I was fooled by a sociopath. For each person who is reading this particular blog, most of you have a sociopath in your life and just have not put your finger on defining their behavior as such. Don’t you wish that they had it tattooed on their forehead for easy identification. We can only hope. “He that shall not be named” exhibited almost all of these traits. So how did I miss them. Well, I wasn’t looking for them. I thought he loved me. He showered me with attention, love letters, told me that our relationship reminded him of the relationship his Granddad and Nana shared. Boy, they can bait you in. Note to self: a sociopath is incapable of real love and real relationships. They have learned to mimic behaviors and emotions very well.
The best time to spot a sociopath is early in the relationship; when you catch them in lies, when their stories don’t add up, when they talk about being victimized by many people. Spot the stories that don’t align with the morals and values they are trying to convey as “theirs.” Spot the stories from their past when they talk about their jaded past with a level of pride and mix in a bit of remorse because that is what they should do. Remember, they are attempting to mimic the correct behavior.
First, to recognize them, keep the following guidelines in mind.
(1) They are habitual liars. They seem incapable of either knowing or telling the truth about anything. They lie about stupid things, not just the big stuff.
(2) They are egotistical to the point of narcissism. They really believe they are set apart from the rest of humanity by some special grace.
(3) They scapegoat; they are incapable of either having the insight or willingness to accept responsibility for anything they do. Whatever the problem, it is always someone else’s fault. They are always the victim and never the one who victimizes. They can spin any story. They are the poor, poor victim.
(4) They are remorselessly vindictive when thwarted or exposed. Watch out. You just put a target on your back. They will try to make everyone think you are crazy and in a dark place.
(5) Genuine religious, moral, or other values play no part in their lives. They can use their church as a shield. They could possibly be someone who would harm others. They are a Christian. Listen for stories that are inconsistent with the values they say they have. They have no empathy for others. They will hurt and harm you without a second thought. You are a means to their goal. Nothing more and nothing less. They are capable of violence. Under older psychological terminology, they fall into the category of psychopath or sociopath, but unlike the typical psychopath, their behavior is masked by a superficial social facade.
These are traits of a sociopath:
- Superficial Charm
- Manipulative and Conning: You are simply a tool to get that they want. They never recognize the rights of others and see their self-serving behaviors as permissible. They appear to be charming, yet are covertly hostile and domineering, and a means to an end\]
- Grandiose Sense of Self even to lie to inflate themselves. They will lie and say the job offer they received was amazing with signing bonus, etc. They are just that important. They might lie about their background, education and even the school they attended. These seem like stupid little lies, but they are significant in the big picture.
- Feels entitled to certain things as “their right.” What you own is fair game to these people. They see it as theirs. They just need to wrangle it out of your hands.
- Exploit your emotional vulnerabilities : They can appear to have opened up to you emotionally. They will tell you some stories of their childhood and tell you that you are the only person who know their story. They do this only to get YOU to open up. This is how they exploit your weaknesses. When they start using things you say to erode your confidence in yourself, alienating you from your support team (family friends) because they don’t have your back because they did X,Y and Z. They might manipulate you into a cloak of secrecy about your relationship. For instance, if you share problem you are having in “your” relationship with others, you don’t know how to have a healthy relationship or don’t have their back. This isolates you.
- Pathological Lying: Has no problem lying coolly and easily and it is almost impossible for them to be truthful on a consistent basis. Can create, and get caught up in, a complex belief about their own powers and abilities. Extremely convincing and even able to pass lie detector tests.
- Lack of Remorse, Shame or Guilt
A deep-seated rage, which is split off and repressed, is at their core. Does not see others around them as people, but only as targets and opportunities. Instead of friends, they have victims and accomplices who end up as victims. They can go for month and years without contacting friends or returning their messages. It is only when they need something from someone that they make contact. The END always justifies the means and they let nothing stand in their way. - Shallow Emotions
When they show what seems to be warmth, joy, love and compassion it is more feigned than experienced and serves an ulterior motive. Outraged by insignificant matters, yet remaining unmoved and cold by what would upset a normal person. Since they are not genuine, neither are their promises and promises they will make. A sociopath can mimic the behavior of guilt and remorse, but they are just trying to gain forgiveness so that you will let your guard down again. - Incapacity for Love: These people can mimic the behaviors of people who are falling in love, but they can not sustain these behaviors in a relationship. As soon as you are hooked, they can do what they want. Most people, especially women, spend years trying to get a sociopath to return to that loving behavior at the beginning of the relationship. News Flash: It was all faked. The sociopath used their charm to bait you it and then you spend the rest of the relationship trying to figure out what you did to make them stop caring about you.
- Need for Stimulation
Living on the edge. They will break the law because the law applies to others. They will do things that can get them fired again and again. They think they can charm their way out of things. When they can’t charm someone, that person can become a target. Promiscuity and gambling are common. Often are addicted to porn and other things like Dominating sexual relationships. (50 Shades of Grey). They don’t want a normal relationship. They bore of them easily. - Callousness/Lack of Empathy: Unable to empathize with the pain of their victims, having only contempt for others’ feelings of distress and readily taking advantage of them. If you cry, they feel that they have you where they want you. If you get angry, they say that you are unbalanced. They can make you feel like a bad person for having feelings. They many accuse you of being jealous so that when you see something that is a red flag regarding CHEATING, you hesitate to bring it up.
- Poor Behavioral Controls/Impulsive Nature
Rage and abuse (emotional, financial, sometimes verbal and physical), alternating with small expressions of love and approval produce an addictive cycle for abuser and abused, as well as cycling the victim through being hopeful to creating hopelessness in the victim. Just when the victim thinks about leaving, the sociopath does something sweet and baits them back into the relationship. A sociopath believes he/she are all-powerful, all-knowing, entitled to every wish, no sense of personal boundaries, no concern for their impact on others. - Early Behavior Problems/Juvenile Delinquency
Usually has a history of behavioral and academic difficulties, yet “gets-by” conning others. Problems in making and keeping friends; aberrant behaviors such as cruelty to people or animals, stealing, etc. Can get people to do their homework for them with their charm, The next day they don’t want anything to do with them. They might have sex with someone, ignore them and even make them feel like they dislike them. But then they use their charm to bait this person back in when they want sex again. Might get involved in selling drugs and other early crimes. - Irresponsibility/Unreliability
Not concerned about wrecking others’ lives and dreams. Oblivious or indifferent to the devastation they cause. Does not accept blame themselves, but blames others, even for acts they obviously committed. - Promiscuous Sexual Behavior/Infidelity
Promiscuity, child sexual abuse, rape and sexual acting out of all sorts. Regular sex bores them. This might be fun for a while because you think it is just adventurous. But this is the type of stimulation they need to have sexual pleasure. - Lack of Realistic Life Plan/Parasitic Lifestyle: Tends to move around a lot or seems to job hop. Makes all-encompassing promises for the future, poor work ethic but exploits others effectively. They can talk a good game and they have all the right buzz words, but they are just conning. They can’t deliver the things they promise or they aren’t willing to work that hard.
- Criminal or Entrepreneurial Versatility
Changes their image as needed to avoid prosecution. Changes life story readily.
I hope that this blog will help you. Do yourself a favor and make a list of ANYONE fits the description above and the list below. It can be a family member, friend, client, lover, co-worker or boss. Once you recognize the behaviors and signs, you can better protect yourself.
Other Related Qualities:
- Contemptuous of those who seek to understand them
- Does not perceive that anything is wrong with them
- Authoritarian
- Secretive
- Paranoid
- Only rarely in difficulty with the law, but seeks out situations where their tyrannical behavior will be tolerated, condoned, or admired
- Conventional appearance
- Goal of enslavement of their victim(s)
- Exercises despotic control over every aspect of the victim’s life often by isolating them
- Has an emotional need to justify their crimes and therefore needs their victim’s affirmation (respect, gratitude and love)
- Ultimate goal is the creation of a willing victim
- Incapable of real human attachment to another
- Unable to feel remorse or guilt
- Extreme narcissism and grandiose
- May state readily that their goal is to rule the world (rare)
(The above traits are based on the psychopathy checklists of H. Cleckley and R. Hare.) Taken in part from MW — By Caroline Konrad — September 1999
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