Writing a New Chapter from the Old Chapters in My Life

I have taken a break from blogging. The other day on my Facebook page, I announced that I am in a relationship. My husband passed away over 5 years ago in a motorcycle accident. I had a very heavy heart and lost myself for a couple of years.  There are times that I am still sad, but I have much happier times in my life.

So here is the beginning of the next chapter in my life. Follow along as I write on the pages.

So who is this man? Let me start with his name. Meet Pete. We have known each other since we were 14 years old. We grew up just a few miles apart and attended the same high school. It is not one of those stories where we dated, were in love and then went off to different collegs to marry another.

We did date …one single date. We both had a crush on each other. I was the cheerleader and he was the star athlete. Our ill-fated date ended with him receiving two well-placed slaps for being FRESH! Oh yes!  A bit of high school drama. We never dated again. His ego was bruised and I was too high and mighty to consider I had over reacted to him making the next move while making out.

Flash forward 15 years: We were both married to our college sweethearts, living a few blocks apart, and our children, unbeknownst to us, were attending the same elementary school.  While we are trolling the school halls on back-to-school night hunting for our kids’ classrooms so we can meet new teachers for the year, we bump into each other. There was a quick exchange of introductions of our spouses and we flit off to meet the teachers. We were both surprised to see each other and I think a bit uncomfortable.  This is not where the story picks up.  We don’t become fast friends and have BBQs together and play dates with the kids. We occasionally run into each other. And that is that.  Well obviously it isn’t!!!

Flash forward to 2010:  This is where the story picks up again. Over 15 years have passed. I have moved to Danville, remarried and my children are nearly grown.  On July 25, Keith dies in a terrible accident. My children post on my Facebook page about his death, the services and try to answer messages from well-meaning friends. It was all very overwhelming for us all. Among the messages is a brief, very well-written note of condolence from Pete and an offer to help around the house if needed. It is one of the messages that dropped through the cracks.

Nearly a year passes and we begin to converse on Facebook and he again offers to help around the house. Honestly, I needed some help! We decide to meet for coffee, which led to lunch and 5 hours of non-stop talking. The date ends (he says it wasn’t a date), with him grabbing my face gently and kissing me…one very gentle, quick kiss. I sat in my car for a few minutes with a smile on my face and wondering what just happened. He went to his car and regretted kissing the grieving widow. We did not see each other for a few weeks. We exchanged a few messages and flirted a bit.  I realized that I was not ready to date. I was still in a lot of pain and Pete was fresh out of a 25 year marriage. But somehow, we started to date and fell in love.

Truth be told, we were not in a good place emotionally to be in a serious relationship and our short love affair looked like a high school romance with neither of us making sound relationship decisions.  The ending was painful for both of us. There was a lot of anger and hurtful actions that left scars.

Flash forward another 3 years. Time passed and Pete and I dated several people. Okay, I dated a lot of men. We both had other relationships and yet, we both kept thinking about the other.

Pete had just ended a relationship and I had thrown in the towel and bailed from online dating. I was going to take a break for a while. So how did we reconnect? Well, a mutual friend was getting married, and I decided to ask Pete to be my escort. He was just out of a relationship and he turned me down. My ego was a bit bruised, but I understood. As time passed, we stayed in contact and decided to have lunch, just two old friends catching up.  By the end of the lunch, we both realized that there was still a flame.

We have decided to give our relationship a serious go.

So that is our love story and the new chapter in my life has begun from the old pages that were written decades before.

Inspired to Take Action

This morning, my roommate slipped into a sexy black dress that she plans to wear this weekend to a special event. It is a size 6 and secretly I am thinking, “You little witch. Now I have no excuses.”  She dropped 20 lbs in 6 weeks with diet and exercise.  I am really proud of her, but dang.   Now that my baby Ashley turned 21, it is hard for me to use the excuse about the baby-weight any more.

A few nights ago,  I went on a blind date and he walks towards me and is extremely out of shape and I am wondering how it has come to this. Have I dropped from an A-B lister? Mind you, he was a nice guy, but zero sizzle.  Then I wonder if I have dropped down the scale of cuteness with the extra 20 lbs that I am carrying. Is this what people think I should be with?

Truth be told, I have to resort to candle lighting to create a smoke and mirror effect in the bedroom, if I ever get that far.  I was thinking of inventing something like clear rubber bands that can help pull up the sagging skin on my legs.  Anyone else other think this is a good idea?  Anyway, I came to the conclusion that a few lunges and swats might do the job.  I guess that my body is rebelling because today I had to lower myself on to the toilet and pull myself back up.  Seriously!  I am hurting.

My friend Jerry got me involved in the Beach Body 21 day challenge.  You have to measure all of your food into these little containers and eat just that amount for the day. My kit came in Spanish.  Really.  Only could happen to me and I am secretly cursing Matt Lopez for teaching me how to cheat in Dibert’s Spanish Class.  I should at least know the food groups after 4 years of Spanish.

As I am cooking, chopping, steaming and broiling to get my food ready for the next few days, a thought occurs to me.  “Do you think restaurant chef’s will be offended it I send my containers to the kitchen?”  Really and truly, that thought actually went through my mind and I realized that I have become the laziest person on the face of the earth.    I spent hours prepping this morning with the hopes of having the results that Jerry is having.  He lost 8 lbs in 2 days. Bastard!  Just kidding Jerry.

If you see me walking around Danville looking like a cowgirl who has been out riding for too long, don’t say anything please.  I am a bit cranky.  I know it will be worth it, but getting started has been a pain in the ass.  Really and true pain in the ass.  Wish me well.

Jeannine Kaiser

Dating and Relationship Expert

I Am Hiding. Come Find Me!

I made the decision to hide my profiles on my dating websites.  Why?  Because I wasn’t meeting the people i wanted to meet. I am just looking for one, but it seemed like it the same old faces keep popping up again and again.  Then, it occurred to me that I am also one of the same old faces.  I have been on these dating sites for more than a year and I still have not met “the one.” If you keep doing the same thing and getting the same result, it is time to shake things up.

I have moved to the over 55-year-old category and the men who have been contacting me are out of shape and have one foot in the grave.  I am a very young 56-year-old woman and I want a guy who can keep up with me, not someone who has to pop 10 little blue pills and risk a heart attack just to take a walk or, well you know.  I am not looking for a 30-year-old guy, but someone who is closer to my age or a tad bit younger.

I took the time to examine my strengths and weaknesses.

Weaknesses:  I take terrible pictures, I hate writing emails.  I don’t have the patience for silly messages like: Hi, or How is your day?  I just want to give a short non-flirty message back. I am 4 years from sixty.  (This makes a difference in who searches you).

Strengths:  I don’t get my nose bent out of shape easily, I am open to meeting new people, I have a fun outgoing personality. I am not someone who would make a man run away screaming.  I am pretty sexy compared to many women in my age group. I am successful, but I don’t want to lead with this.

So, I decided that my weakness are not conducive to online dating and getting what I want right now.  I decided that I want to try meeting men in a more organic way.  That means I really have to start doing some things differently.  The truth is, in my work, I live in a world of beautiful women and no men.  That isn’t going to be a place to meet anyone special.  The places I go to hang out with my friends have the men’s names on a brass plate they are there so often.  (Just kidding, but it could be true.) I don’t want to be with a guy who is at a bar every day.  So, I need to start visiting some different places.  I have to make an effort to break out of my patterns and shake it up. Anyone else feel the same way?

The next couple of days, I will be examining what changes I will be making.  Any ideas?  I am open to hearing for you all.

Jeannine Kaiser,
Dating and Relationship Expert, Author of Cupid’s Playbook

Pretty Woman!

Something really interesting has happened to me twice in the last month! I don’t know what to make of it and my response to it was incredibly emotional…and not in a good way. It angered me. It scared me!

Two men I have been dating told me that if we got serious, they would want me to quit my job and be available for travel. I could be a gym rat, sip ice tea by the pool, go shopping, get my nails done, go for massages and hang with my gal pals. I would be well taken care of by them and their wealth.

Call me crazy, but I said NO!

I like working. I like using my mind! I love the women I work with! I love the challenge. Most of all, I love to make a difference. Why would I give that up?

It felt as if they did not see what I do as respectful, important or valuable.

This reminded me of the scene from Pretty Woman where Richard Gere offers to take Julia Roberts off the streets and ” put her up” in a condo to be at his beck and call when he is in town. She turns him down! She wants the fairytale.

Once in my life, I quit a good job to take care of my kids. Credit cards and bank accounts were canceled by that person.  I had to beg for money. I swore I would never let that happen to me again! My reaction was a result of my experience! It was intense.

I walked away from both men. Am I being an idiot? They did not want to negotiate! I walked away!

So what do you think?

Am I crazy?

Jeannine Kaiser, dating and relationship expert.

Retail Therapy is in Order!!!!!

Date number three with the promising man I described in my last blog crashed and burned.  I had spent a part of my day getting my nails and hair done and putting on a cute sexy outfit in anticipation of our dinner date.  The text messages flying back and forth between us were flirty.  So, when Mr. Serious showed up for the date, I was quite surprised.  The date felt like an interview and I felt that I was justifying why I would make a good partner for him.  What the heck.

In the process of our conversation/interview, I discovered that he is looking of an unambitious woman who could be at his beck and call when he wants to take a couple of months off to go on a trip.  It would be a blast to be able to jet off anywhere in the world and spend a couple of months somewhere exotic.  But what would I do the other weeks and months of the year?  Hang by the pool sipping on ice tea waiting for him to come home or become a gym rat?  I am not a gold digger.  I don’t want his money to be “why” I am in a relationship.  It doesn’t hurt if he has money.  It seems he is looking for someone who will be dependent on him. That isn’t me, but it is what he wants.  I am a woman who makes a difference in the world.  I am not arm candy, although I turn a lot of heads still in my rocking high heels.

I never said I wasn’t ambitious. As a matter of fact, our conversations were clearly about our work.   I am ambitious, but I don’t want to feel competitive with my partner!  Would I retire if given the right circumstances?  Heck yes.  But how can you commit to doing that with someone after a third date?  I don’t know what I would do for the right man.

I moved to a town where I knew nobody for the right man.  I commuted my kids to their schools (an hour each way) for an entire year for the right man.  I flew to Colorado every other week for 6 months for the right man.  After three dates, I can’t tell him that I would be willing to do that.  I don’t know him.

The fun guy that showed up the first date was nowhere to be seen.  By the end of the date, it was clear that we were in the NOT ROMANTIC category as he hesitated to walk me to my car.  The kiss was a peck and I was done.

I am looking for great love.  I am not looking for someone to change or to change me.

So, today will involve a little retail therapy and a a few pairs of cute dating shoes and back to the game.

I am getting closer to what I want.  I am more clear than ever about what I want.  I will absolutely know it when I see it,  There is no question about it.  This was not it.  It only took three dates to figure it out.

Wishing you all great dating and great love.

Jeannine Kaiser, Dating Coach and Relationship Expert, author of Cupid’s Playbook

Hanging Up My Dating Heels?

I have said that it would take a very special man to get me to hang up my dating shoes. I am getting closer to that. Over the past few weeks, I have begun to meet some very good men. They don’t necessarily possess all the qualities of what I desire in a mate, but so much closer.

Then a couple of weeks ago, I had one of those “get to know you” calls with a man who took my breath way and I hung up the phone and said, “Holy cow!” We had so many connections…crazy connections. It gave me goosebumps. I literally could not stop thinking about him. We had made a date.

Then I started to worry. What if the connection wasn’t there when we met in person? What if, what if, what if? I almost shouted out loud for the voice in my head to shut up and stop ruining my hopeful fantasy.

Our date approached and I felt excited and nervous. These are interesting emotions because for me, they signal the possibility of me being able to fall for someone.

He is a southern man with southern manners. He opens doors for me. He stands when I enter and leave a room. He is respectful of waitresses and service staff. He is a gentleman.

When he looks at me, I feel like the only person in the room. This is one of the things I want to feel.

We have so many connections including our favorite dessert being key lime pie. What are the chances? Then I learned that he was Special Ops, like my husband.  Again, what are the chances? We are both life coaches and share the same passions. What are the chances?  He has two daughters and a son, like me. We grew up Catholic. He was a pilot and so was my husband, father and father-in-law. Shall I go on?

For the first time in so long, I am hopeful.  I can’t tell you how amazing it is to say that.

Jeannine Kaiser

Hopefully ready to fall in love.

Rebound Girl?

He came walking into the restaurant as I am wrapping up a work event. He is early. I don’t see him sneak in and takes a table behind me, getting a great view of my booty.  My eyes are in the door waiting for him to walk in. There is one way in and one way out. Simple! I am cleaning up the final few things with my friend Susan and my eyes keep looking towards the door. As several men walk in, I look up and realize they are not my date. I am feeling a bit anxious as time passes and he hasn’t arrived…at least I don’t know he has arrived!

I don’t know what made me turn around. Have you ever had the feeling that someone is watching you. Not one of those creepy kind of “checking you out” feeling.  You just know their eyes are on you. That was the feeling that made me turn around.

Sitting on a bar stool, a gorgeous man smiled at me. This crazy, off-the-chart hunk was my flipping date. My heart stopped beating for just a second as my brain was trying to comprehend that he was here for me! My friend Susan had not left yet. Breathlessly, I tell Susan that the well-dressed hunk on the bar stool is my date. She replied, “Holy crap! He is amazing!” We both giggle because we both realize she said it just a little louder than intended. Needless to say,  I am feeling MORE than a little bit fortunate!

I step forward and introduce myself. I am worried that I am going to stammer and possibly drool. I don’t and I am so incredibly grateful. I briefly introduce Susan who is graceful as usual and she then exits the restaurant so quietly, as if she was a disappearing ghostly spirit. Poof! She is gone.

I am left with THE HUNK!

Surprisingly, the conversation went pretty well. We talk for over an hour between bites of pizza and gulps of ice tea. We have a lot in common. So we get to that part of the conversation where we start talking about why we are single in our 50’s. I try to tell my tragic story in a way that does not make me look pitiful. I always tie in that I am doing well and my children are doing great.

Now it is his turn to tell his story. He tells me that he recently broke up with someone.  He has been in love with her for years. She fell out of love with him but strung him along for months after their break up. He truly thought they would get back together. Just that day, he learned she was dating someone he knew from his softball team.  I could see the pain on his face. He tried to assure me that he was over her. But I knew. I would be the rebound girl.

The week following our first date, we had a few great conversations and exchanged several text messages and finally he set up another date. We went to the movies which is never a great date idea until you have been dating for a while because you can’t talk much.

We chatted until the movie was about to start. We went to see the American Sniper which I had already seen. He hadn’t!  I never told him I had seen it. I was just grateful he didn’t get tickets to 50 Shades of Grey and turn me 50 shades of crimson.

The evening ended awkwardly. I can’t explain it. It was as if I had been sized up and I wasn’t HER! It is a hard thing to be…rebound girl. Their heart is somewhere else.

So, I sent him a text in the morning telling him that I woke up thinking about him. Four agonizing hours later, I get a text from him that said, “Super busy day.”   That was it. Nothing more. And then he went DARK for another whole day. The silence was all I needed to be clear.

I sent him a text. “Think you have unfinished feelings elsewhere. I like you a lot, but feel you aren’t connected. Let me know if something changes.” Warmly, Jeannine

Not another word from THE HUNK!

I would rather not be the rebound girl. I don’t settle for crumbs off someone else’s plate. I do hope he finds happiness. He was a nice guy.

On to my next dating adventure!

jeannine Kaiser

How to Lose This Girl In 5 Dates or Less!

I am naturally curious about people and have a tendency to give people the benefit of the doubt more often than not. Sometimes this serves me well and other times I get burned.  I would rather error on believing in the human race as good people.

A couple of things I look for in people in general are empathy and unselfishness. These are a must in the man I am seeking. These emotions can not be faked. I am not looking for the cheap words that some men (and women) use to attempt to demonstrate these emotions. I am looking for the actions that back up these, sometimes, cheap words.

Telling me you “love me” after going on two or three short dates (no sex involved) tells me that you don’t understand the difference between love and lust. You don’t know me well enough to love me. When I don’t return the words, because I am not there with my feelings, continuing to say the same thing again and again…makes me run for the hills.

Reading my blog and using my words in some kind of freaking voyarism-mind-game is not endearing. It makes me want to crawl in a hole and shrink away from YOU. You want imeshment and do not understand that we all need our own privacy and there needs to be the space between me and YOU.  You watching every news clip about me and reading every article/blog I have ever written is just creepy when you use them in a mind game.

My friend Susan said that if I was really into him, hearing all the things he said would excite me. I have to disagree. I am looking for real love. I am looking for healthy. This is not either.

If someone says they are broken or f@$&ed up, believe them and run. I do. I am not looking for perfect. That is boring. But if someone has an understanding that there is enough screwed up stuff going on with them and they are concerned about their mental health, you should be, too. I personally am not looking for a project. I get enough of that at work and am not inviting that into my home or love life.

When I tell you that I am having a hard time because it is my wedding anniversary with my deceased husband and you continue to gush your feelings, it tells me that you just don’t get it. Your need to get me to tell you I have feelings for you far outweighs the feeling of grief I am experiencing on that day, not to mention the double whammy of it being Valentine’s Day.

Telling me that you can never be “mad at me” makes me cringe. You better be able to express anger in a healthy way and not put on rose-colored glasses. I can get your blood boiling. I am a passionate, expressive woman and not milk-toast. With that comes the high chance that we might disagree. I might just try to push your buttons to challenge that statement. I hate to admit that. But it is true, because the statement is just so flipping unrealistic.

So, if he is reading this blog because he just can’t help himself, then he heard it all twice.

I am going to take some time to reflect and then pray.  Dear God, you certainly know more than me. I will let you do your brilliant work.

Jeannine Kaiser, Dating and Relationship Expert and author of Cupid’s Playbook.

This is a re-post of my Valentine’s letter to my husband Keith. We would have been married 15 years this Saturday.  We would have been together for 19 years.  I miss him every day.  He was a good man and he made my life amazing.  I challenge you to look at your relationship and see why you fell in love with your husband or wife. Those reasons are still there.  I challenge you to keep the flame alive. If you are single, I challenge you to fall in love again.  God made love between us and it is the glue to any great relationship.

My love to all of you this Valentine’s day.

Jeannine Kaiser

Dearest Keith:

Very few people meet and marry their soulmate. We were among the fortunate people who experienced that deep love, an amazing understanding of each other, that incredible respect and passion. We had a love that people only dream of having. This didn’t happen by accident. We continually worked on our marriage. Our love got deeper and deeper through the years and we weathered several difficult times in our marriage and came out stronger and more committed to each other.

I miss so many things about you. I miss how you looked at me…as if I was the most beautiful woman on the planet. I miss how you would leave me phone messages during the day just to tell me that you were thinking of me. I miss you calling me “my love.” I miss the cards and letters you would write me…just because. I loved how you never left the house without kissing me goodbye and telling me that you adored me. I miss watching you walk in the door at the end of a long day, walk towards me with that sure swagger and kissing me, and telling you missed me even if you had only been gone a few hours. I miss our pillow talk and how you could finish my sentences. You were the person who could calm me down with a simple hug and kiss, telling me that everything was going to be okay and I knew it would be.

I remember the day we got married. You had found this amazing mansion in Lake Tahoe right on the beach and rented it for Valentine’s Day weekend. We invited 12 of our closest friends to join us. We surprised them all by having a wedding. Who knew that there would be a blizzard and the power and water would go out. As I cried because I felt our wedding day was ruined, you held me in your arms and told me that you would marry me in my pajamas, with no make up and with bed head hair. This was about us and our start to our new life together, not how stunning I could look. You kissed me and the power suddenly went back on. We laughed and I hurried to get ready to be your bride.

One year when things were financially hard, we worked so well as a team to get through that year. I remember you saying to me, “If we lost everything, I know we will be okay…because we have each other.” I knew that was true. We could weather any storm together.

Our New Year Dream Boards were one of the highlights of each year. We sat for hours cutting, pasting, talking and laughing as we built the vision for our life and where we wanted to be by next year. I was the typical “fly by the seat of your pants” planner, frantically clipping from all the magazines and you had your neat file and all the clippings you had saved for months to build our board. And even with these differences, we were the perfect match.

I loved that you planned two vacations each year just to be with me alone. With three active children and busy schedules, we kept our relationship alive and fresh. You were so committed to doing this. I loved our Saturday morning ritual of sitting on the patio and talking about our relationship. We never ran out of things to talk about…ever.

You were so committed to me and the children that when your job took you away from home too often, you decided that you needed to switch jobs. I know that your new job was not as exciting or rewarding, but your commitment to me and the kids came first…and I will always love you for that sacrifice.

I miss the laughter you brought into our lives, and the childlike way you played with the children. I loved teasing you and tell you that you were my fourth child. We miss all the crazy things you did. You brought the fun into our lives.

I know that I was lucky to be loved by such a wonderful man. I miss you terribly, but I will cherish these memories forever. Thank you for loving me so completely.

All my love,

Jeannine

Fanning the Flames of A New Love Interest!

I met someone who I like very much.  We have been on a several dates already and I love his sense of humor, his tenderness, his protective nature, and his willingness to honor my values.  It certainly doesn’t hurt that he is easy on the eyes.  We are not at the point that we are exclusive, although I have had no time to date anyone else.

He lives in Napa and I live in Danville.  The drive is about 45 minutes if traffic is good.  He has been a doll and driven here each and every time for our dates.  I appreciate that very much.

So what is the problem?  It is the darn slow burn way I fall in love.  I either have that rocket (with extra jet fuel) that takes off quickly and burns hot, but usually crashes and burns. I don’t see the fatal flaws to the man or relationship until it is too late and my heart is invested.  (Ever had that happen to you?)  They say that love is blind.  It is blind for me when I get the rocket-fuel infused take off. I have found that I do better when fall in love slowly. The fire will start burning, slowly, but then turn into a roaring bonfire. So the problem lies in the man falling in love with me quickly and I am not there.

Although I am quick to say “I love you” to friends and family, I am not when it comes to a love relationship.  I am very slow when it comes to expressing my feelings, unless it is a rocket-fuel injected situation and then I just become stupid for a while.  I feel awkward when he expresses his feelings for me and I don’t return it.  It isn’t that I don’t care for this man.  I do.  But I feel guilty for not being where he is at.

So, my next face-to-face conversation is going to be about the slow-burn way I fall in love and why it is important.  I don’t want to lose this guy by not returning his expressions of growing affection.  He has not said “I love you.” I am grateful for that.  That would be just so much pressure on me.  I would feel like I really had some catching up to do.

Part of having a healthy relationship is expressing things about yourself which reveal another layer of who you are and doing this when the time is appropriate.  When is it appropriate?  It is appropriate to reveal a new layer when not telling will have an impact on the other person.  Me not telling this man that falling love for me is a slow process could hurt him.  I don’t want that to happen.

I don’t see this as being a broken part of me.  Some people might think it is.  I think that this is why it is important to reveal parts of who you are slowly.  I have dated men who vomit every flaw on a first or second date.  They keep spewing out of their mouth and I want to scream STOP!  I can’t process this and learn to like, or love you.  We all are broken.  We all have flaws.  Love can often help heal those hurts.  And flaws can make us interesting.  But until there is a love interest, they are just flaws.

I want to get to know him and enjoy the journey.  I don’t know if there is more in the cards for us.  I don’t need to know.  I want to live in the moment and enjoy the time we have together. Each date fans the embers that are burning.  Who knows when the fire will catch or if it will not?  I am guessing that it will.

Hope to see you at the bonfire.

Jeannine Kaiser, Dating Coach, Relationship Expert, Author of Cupid’s Playbook