I do believe in fairies, I do believe in fairies. Okay, everyone now. Well it worked for Tinkerbell. I guess I really pissed off my Fairy Godmother. I would love it if someone would just wave their magic wand and bring me back to who I was BP. (Not a typo! Before Patrick! See Sinking the Captain’s Ship blog.)
I think everyone wants to fall in love. I am no exception. The man who is so special that I can’t wait to come home at the end of my work day and kiss his lips and spend time lying in his arms enthusiastically sharing all the interesting details of my day and listening to his. I want to be able to trust someone so much that I will open up and share the vulnerabilities of life experiences, my feeling and deep thoughts. I had that with my husband and I miss it so much.
This passed week, I went to Monterey and laid a Christmas holiday bouquet at the sight of my husband’s fatal accident. It was a sobering moment. I have done this time and time again over the 4 years since his death. As I stood on that spot where he died, I thought my life would look different by now. I had hoped that I would find someone to love again. Realizing that almost 5 years have past was so hard. Keith’s death left a huge void in my life and heart.
I have to tell you. I am so much more guarded since my relationship with Patrick Camp (Captain). I don’t open up. I question the motivation of the men I date. Recently, a date asked me my birthday and my mind skipped to, “What will he do with that information? Why does he want it?” I wonder if they are trying to pull the wool over my eyes. I dissect every statement seeking the deeper hidden motivation or lie. I use to be so open. I use to be so accepting. I use to be someone else.
I want to think that I can erase the scars that he has left on me, my life, and my level of trust. I lost my innocence with Patrick Camp. I believed in fairytale endings and love that could last a life-time. I believed in having each other’s back and “us against the world.” I believed in the relationship that everyone envies.
Who does what he did? Why did he do what he did? What incredibly broken experiences made this man into a monster who harms other people? Honestly, I don’t get it.
I kept trying to get Patrick to return to the boyfriend who loved and adored me. He was never that man. I was simply a “mark”. He would only engage when he thought I was getting ready to jettison him from my life. Then he would become fully engaged in the relationship, cooking me dinners, taking me to lunch, taking long drives together, going to Carmel. This would last a few weeks and then we would return to the REAL Patrick. He kept me off kilter. I felt like I was dancing with two left feet! I was off balance. This is where he needed me. He couldn’t con a clear-headed Jeannine.
Here is what I know. It is insane to try to make sense out of insanity. It is insane to try to get someone to go back to who they were. Either they were never the person you thought they were; loving, sweet, thoughtful and desperately in love with YOU or in this case, ME or they are mentally ill, a con man, a fraud or all of the above. Lastly, they might have really changed and they have a right to change and change their mind about ME.
I am going to learn to be my own Fairy Godmother, unless someone is done with theirs and wants to put them on loan to me. Let me know. In the meantime, I am going to continue to heal the wounds and move forward.
Jeannine Kaiser, Dating Coach, Author of Cupid’s Playbook
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