Can I Trust You?

I have this belief that our life is like a trolley car.  People come and go in our lives.  Some people get on our trolley car and ride it our entire life.  Some people ride with us for a short while and suddenly get off…never to be heard from again.  Sometimes we realize that someone needs to get off our trolley car and we have to have the courage to say…”Get the hell off.”

One of the most important things to me in any relationship is that I can trust the person.  It takes me a while to begin to trust someone.  I think I am fairly open to trusting others and have pretty good gut instinct about people and whether they are trust worthy.  There was a period of time after my husband was killed that my gut instinct wasn’t as good. In fact, I would say that it sucked.  I put my trust in a few people who took advantage of that trust.  For a while, I wasn’t sure if I would make a good choice in another partner.  A big piece of this journey has been learning to trust myself to trust others. It has also been to realize that not everyone is trustworthy and if they break your trust, sometimes you have kick them off your trolley car .

It has been several weeks since I blogged.  This is the first time I took a break from consistently blogging each week.  I actually considered ending this blog.  I began writing this blog to chronicle my journey to finding love again and to let others into my world as I dated and went through the process, both the good and bad and …for goodness sake, the ugly.  The ugly has made some very amusing blogs, but dang, I could have done without many of those experiences.  I now feel that I am even a better dating coach not only from these experiences, but also from blogging about them.

In the process of blogging about my love life, I  put my real thoughts and emotions out on the table for everyone to see.  Did I hold back?  A bit.  I wanted to respect my boyfriend’s privacy as we began to fall in love.  This has been a journey for both of us.

One thing that has opened the door to having this great level of trust with Captain is his level of honesty with me…hearts on the line…no bullshit…and the ability to be vulnerable.  He is still a strong man I can lean on anytime I need to lean on him.  I  handed him my heart and trusted that he would hold it tenderly and with respect…and not spike it like a football when times got tough.  He has never disappointed me.

This relationship with Captain is one of the most healthy relationships I have had.  I also had a very healthy relationship with my husband Keith.  I was not going to settle for anything less.  One of the most important things I have gained from my relationship with my boyfriend is having someone have my back.   I mean really have my BACK!  No question.  You can’t have this in a relationship without having trust.  You have to know that your partner is there for you…no matter what.

For the first time since Keith’s death, I really feel like I am back on track. I am not longer in that horrible grief fog.  I am more capable of loving than ever before and with a strong loving heart.  This  love is for everyone in my life, not just Captain.

But what has also returned is the woman who had good healthy boundaries with people.  Before Keith died, you  could trust me because you knew how I would respond.  I just didn’t have the strength or energy to keep consistent boundaries.  To my friends and family: I apologize for any inconsistencies during this time.  But things have got to return to normal.  So, I have a few things I need to say.  For those of you who felt that I could be taken advantage while I was in this fog…the fog has lifted.  For those of you who felt I would not push back…well, I will.  You deserve for me to be consistent.  I will be.

Riding the trolley car of someone’s life is a privilege.  For my friends and family, I appreciate the opportunity to ride on the trolley car of your life.  If I am on your trolley car, I want to be trustworthy.  If you are on my trolley car, I expect the same.  So there might be some moving and shaking over the next few months.

I want to tell my boyfriend thank you reminding me of all this.  You are a great man Patrick.  I am learning more about myself from knowing and loving you.  I pray you are on my trolley car to the end of the line.

Jeannine Kaiser

America’s Dating and Relationship Expert, Author of Cupid’s Playbook 

 

 

Getting Rid of the Creeper! Resetting My Attraction Magnet!

After 38 text messages, 5 series of back-to-back phone calls that were less than three minutes apart, I finally picked up the phone and gave the Creeper a piece of my mind. Understand that at this point I am getting scared and I am really ticked off.  Setting firm boundaries with him wasn’t working.  He has no boundaries. I told him that I was working all day and could not talk.  That did not stop him from continuing to call me incessantly. He wanted to make sure that a few hours did not go by without me thinking of him.  Oh, I was thinking of him…how to make him go away. First I told him that if I did not pick up the phone and he called back two minutes later and then two minutes after that, I was obviously busy and he was being rude. I told him I did not have that much contact with my husband and we were married for 11 years.  I also told him that I did not have the time or energy to hand hold a person who was that needy. I told him in no uncertain terms that I never intended to go on another date with him and not to contact me again.  It didn’t stop him.  He sent a long text begging for another chance and telling me that he is not “needy”.  (Sure he is not needy! Anyone else out there believe that?) Then I am talking to one of my guy friends and I start getting calls…one after the other…from the Creeper!  No messages, just one call after the other.

When you tell someone who you don’t want contact with them and they continue to call you or text you, the best thing to do is to never respond.  If you respond, they feel that you have opened that door just a crack and if they continue to push on it, you might open it up again. Don’t do it.  Call your cellphone carrier and block their number. They can always call from another number, but just don’t answer calls from numbers you don’t know for a while.

So, here comes the big question for me.  Why am I attracting this kind of guy into my life?  I believe in the laws of attraction and that you attract into your life what you pay attention to…wanted or unwanted.  So, I wonder if because I am writing this blog and I always have interesting dates to write about, is it possible that is why I am getting more crazy dates to write about????

For the next month, I am just going to write about the great qualities I see in men…married, single, friends, relatives…doesn’t matter.  I am just going to pay attention to all the great qualities in the men who surround me and not pay attention to the other craziness.

I hope you will help me play in the arena for just a few weeks. You can add comments of great qualities you see in the men and women in your life and we can all just pay attention to that for a while.  This will give me a chance (and maybe you) to reset our energy and attract in what we desire.  It is worth a shot.  Hope you will play with me!!!!!

Jeannine Kaiser

America’s Dating and Relationship Expert, Author of Cupid’s Playbook