Do They Celebrate Christmas in Heaven?

This is the 5th Christmas without Keith.  Every year it gets a little easier.  But Christmas isn’t special anymore.  I don’t have anyone special who will painstakingly pick out a present for me and go to the ends of the earth to make my holiday special. I hate that I don’t have a special man to shop for anymore.  I loved going shopping for my husband, although I have to admit that it was somewhat frustrating.  Here is why:  You see, Keith would give me some ideas of the things he would love under the tree each year and then he would proceed to go buy them for himself…one by one.  As I would see him with an iPod, I would return the one I bought for him.  Then I would buy the new helmet he wanted only to see it on the back of his motorcycle two days later.  And so the cycle continued until I finally had a present he had not bought for himself.  I kind of miss that crazy ritual.

Keith, on the other hand, was more simplistic.  He rarely asked me what I wanted.  He would buy me one of two things: jewelry or a designer purse.  He joked that he knew they both would fit.  I have a closet full of great purses and a safe filled with amazing jewelry.  And he was right…they all fit.

Here is my brief letter to Keith this Christmas:

My darling Keith,

Being with you was like Christmas every day.  I do miss you.  I no longer decorate the house for the holidays.  It was only fun when you and the kids where there to pull down everything from the attic and put that crazy tree together. I loved how you and Derrick would do silly things like pretend to roast marshmallows in front of the Yule Log on the television.  I miss the Grinch you had on your car each year.  Silly man.  Who knew that you really loved Christmas. I miss how you and I were up late at night stuffing the kids’ stockings and your endless compliments of how wonderful I made the holidays for the kids and you.  I even miss that crazy raging fire you would light that would singe the fireplace hearth and we would need to repaint it…yet again.

If they have Christmas in Heaven, I would give you but one thing as a gift…

It would be one more Christmas with me and the kids.

You wouldn’t be able to buy it for yourself and you would certainly not want to return it.

We miss you.

Love always,

Your Boo

Waiting for the Other Shoe to Drop!

The second anniversary of Keith’s death is just 7 days away.  At the beginning, I counted the days, then the weeks, then the months…and now I am starting to count the years.  The other day, Keith’s step mother called to acknowledge that the anniversary was approaching.  She had to check the date with me.  She couldn’t remember if it was the 23rd, 24th or 25th.  For me, that date is etched in my mind as if someone indelibly tattooed it on my brain.  I almost envied her for needing to check with me.

Today, I was contacted by a close friend because she felt that my reaching out to someone today would help him.  You see, today is his fiance’s birthday and she died just two months ago.  I know how difficult all the first are…birthdays, anniversaries, holidays.

As the second anniversary of Keith’s death approaches, I wait.  I wait for the shoe to drop.  I always hope that it doesn’t happen…but it does.

Captain is very aware that this date is fast approaching and he checks in frequently when he sees a slight mood shift.  Is the shift because of the pressures of the move, the wedding or the anniversary?  He doesn’t let it go by.  He asks!

The other day he said to me, “I have never done this before…been with someone who is still grieving their spouse.  I will do my best, but I might need you to tell me what you need…even if that means telling me that you don’t know.  We will figure it out together.”  I appreciated that more than you know because then I don’t have to try to take care of him.  I just have to worry about taking care of ME, but I know that he will be there.

Someone recently told me that he did not think I was ready for a relationship with a man.  He might be right.  But I will never know unless I experience it.  At some point, I have to take a leap of faith and ask God for guidance.

I have been more than honest with Captain about where I am.  He accepts it.  He knows that he is not competing with Keith, but instead he is forging his relationship with me on our terms.  He recognizes that the woman I am today is largely in part because of my relationship with Keith.  My ability to create a healthy relationship was learned and developed through years of marriage, ups and downs, good times and not so good times.  He is actually grateful for this.

As I approach the anniversary of Keith’s death, I feel blessed to have a great man in my life.  So as things move a long quickly right now, I hope that the other shoe drops quietly.

Jeannine Kaiser

America’s Dating and Relationship Expert, Author of Cupid’s Playbook