Do I Have 2 Strikes Against Me?

It is interesting how many men respond to the fact that I am widowed and am a dating coach.  Some people have asked me why I am so up front about both these things.  I tell them: This is a big part of my life and my history.  If the man can handle these two things, he can’t handle ME!

I have tried it both ways.  I have not told men what I do for a living and they freak out when they learn.  Really…they usually freak out.  No they don’t go running out of the room screaming.  It is the typical guy FREAK OUT!  They get distant, and stop calling.  A few have been brave enough to tell me that they felt like I might be judging them and had some hidden advantage.

The fact that I am a dating coach seems to be intimidating to many men.  Do I care?  Not really.  I need a confident guy.  If he is intimidated by me, he will be intimated by my world.  Being in the public eye can be challenging.  Although I value my privacy, I have to expose myself to my clients in order for them to trust me.  If I present myself as being perfect, (and trust me, I am not) or if I have not experienced the same challenges (or similiar) and overcome them, how can I know where they (my clients) are coming from? So, many men are very private and they can’t handle this!

I need a man who can hold his own in most social situations without me holding his hand.  So if he can’t handle what I do for a living, he is not my guy.  It is a filtering tool for me.  I put it right out there.  If they can’t handle it, it is not about me.  It is about them.  But this narrows the field tremendously.

Secondly, men aren’t very good at reading profiles.  They often skip the part where I say that I am a widow.  All too often they immediately drop off the radar screen when they learn that my husband died.  The men who do this are not my guy.  These men conclude that I am broken. I am not.  (I spent 18 months with a grief counselor to make sure that my heart was in a good place before I started to date again.) Or some men are concerned that they will be compared to my husband.  I get a lot of questions about whether I was happily married. I say YES! And then they drop off the radar screen. Sheeh!  What the heck? I think that having been happily married is a plus. I am not dragging baggage from a dysfunctional marriage into the next phase of my love life.  Being a widow is something that happened to me, not something that defines who I am. I can’t put that I am divorced. The other option is to say I am single.  That infers that I have not been married.  I am widowed.

I believe that the right guy will come into my life and these two things won’t matter.  In fact, he will find my job fascinating.  When he get’s to know me, he will know I am nothing like Patty Stanger, the Millionaire Matchmaker. In a relationship, I am soft and very loving. As a coach, I am straightforward, but loving and kind…  But more importantly, he will see that I have been healing my heart from the loss of my husband and I have grown as a person.

Jeannine Kaiser

America’s Dating and Relationship Expert, Author of Cupid’s Playbook

Getting Stood Up! Ouch!

Made a date with a man I met on the Internet Dating Site.  We talked on the phone and he seemed nice.  He made me laugh and we went right for the close…can I take you out on Friday night for dinner?  He tells me that he will call on Friday to firm up our plans.  So, it is getting late on Friday, 4:00ish and I have not heard from him. So, I jump on the dating site just to see if I have a message and low and behold there is one from him…

It reads: “I can’t make it tonight.  Have to buy and sell a car.  How about next weekend?”

My response: I am busy next weekend and the next and the next…good luck with your search.  BLOCK

Why would I do that?  Why wouldn’t I?  This guy has my phone number.  He could have called me.  What if I hadn’t checked the site and I spent all that time getting dolled up for a guy who didn’t have the guts to cancel our date via telephone.  Secondly, during the time he is trying to make a good impression, he chooses to buy and sell a car instead of keeping his commitment to a date.  What kind of priority am I going to be when he isn’t trying to make a good impression.

Hey, I know things come up.  They come up with me too.  But I have the courtesy to call personally.  This tells me that he is not very mature.  I need a stand up guy who will keep his commitments and communicates!!!!

No loss!  Went out with friends and met a couple of great guys.  I did not sulk…considered myself lucky I didn’t waste a whole evening on this guy.  There are so many fish in the sea.  If someone doesn’t treat you right…simply say NEXT!

Until next time…

Jeannine Kaiser

America’s Dating Coach and Relationship Expert, Author of Cupid’s Playbook

Kissing Frogs-There Has To Be a Prince Here Somewhere!

This quest to find the right man is so different from when I dated 100 men in a single year-first dates only!  I am willing to go on 2nd, 3rd, 4th and finally stop dating for the right guy.  Yes, I have kissed (not really, they only got a hug) some frogs.  However, there are some really great guys out there.  They just aren’t my guy.  He is still out there.

One of my rules for dating is that I will date someone more than once unless the give me the hybie-gybies or one of my deal killers shows up on the date. I have definitely experienced both! So, I am giving guys a chance, because first impressions aren’t always terrific on a first date.  We are usually nervous.  Well not me, giggle. 

I have talked about some of my dud dates, however, I have had some really good dates, too.  There are three guys that I have dated more than once and they are all very different.  The things they all have in common is that they can make me laugh, are confident and pretty smart men.  I am smart as a whip, I am definitely confident and I have a wicked sense of humor.  They just have to be able to keep up.  One took me out in his row-boat on the reservoir…romantic.  One took me to the Saddlerack and taught me how to line dance…well he attempted to teach me.  I think he will wear steal-toe shoes next time we go.   The other took me for a walk around the reservoir and had a picnic lunch packed.  I thought that was so sweet. 

I have to admit that I like the chase.  If it is too easy, then I am not usually interested in him.  That isn’t necessarily a good thing.  But, if a guy comes on too strong, then I tend to back off.  Why is that?  I can only speculate my reasoning.  I don’t want to move too fast, for one.  Secondly, I hate being put on a pedestal by a man.  It is a horrible fall when they realize that you aren’t perfect.  I never present myself as perfect…but I think we all tend to fantasize about a person we are dating and that makes us all vulnerable to not seeing the whole picture.

I am waiting for that date where I walk away and think, “I didn’t see that coming.  He is so awesome.”  That hasn’t happened yet.  But it could be that as I peel the onion and learn more about these men, I might discover that he is really awesome and I am glad I went on more than one date. 

Until then, here is to kissing frogs.

Jeannine Kaiser

America’s Dating and Relationship Expert, Author of Cupid’s Playbook

All I Want For Christmas is HIM!

I really am not in a hurry to meet Mr. Right.  But for now, I am beginning to meet Mr. Hopefuls.  The holiday season brings up the void left when a relationship ends and being single is magnified.  During Christmas, my husband Keith and I were covert elves trying to find just the right gift for each other.  We had so much fun buying and hiding our gifts and each of us trying to scope out what the other had purchased, like two little kids. I miss that!

It would be nice to find three or four men that I can date and have some fun as we go into the holiday season.  We are narrowing down the field…and I say we because my kids would like veto power (not happening, but I will humor them.)

As my daughter, Jessica have been on vacation, she has named several of my potential matches.  I thought it was a great idea because I am not using names.  Mr. Rice Pudding and Mr. You are 54?, did not make the cut.  Any surprises here?

The two men I dated in the same night are still in the running.  We have knick- named them Mr. Urban Cowboy and Mr. Airline.  One likes country Western dancing and the other works for a major airline carrier. 

Now we have Mr. McSteamy who is just gorgeous and a Renaisance man to boot.  We have a lot in common, but have not met yet.  Just been exchanging emails and messages back and forth.  So you never know how the chemistry is going to play out.  For now I am just intrigued.

Last, but not least is Mr. Holland.  He is absolutely one of the nicest men I have ever met and he is super romantic…he is the one who took me out in a row-boat on the reservoir. 

No one has knocked my socks off yet.  Mr. Urban Cowboy makes me laugh and is a bit mischievous.  I like that in a man.  Mr. Holland is super romantic, considerate, and thoughtful.  I like those traits too.  Mr. Airline adores his children and is a great story-teller. I like those traits as well. Mr. McSteamy is easy on the eyes and he is communicating with me on a regular basis.  So who knows?  I am waiting to meet that guy that when I walk away I am thinking, “I didn’t see that coming.”

Until then, I have sent my wish list off to Santa and am putting a huge stocking next to the fireplace on Christmas Eve.  You never know.   

 Jeannine Kaiser

America’s Dating and Relationship Expert, Author of Cupid’s Playbook